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Thoughts on Suicide ~ Nkazimulo Mvemve

There was a time when I had had enough
There was a time when it was a bit rough
There was a place where I made a small salty puddle
There was a place where I hid my trouble
There was a day when I had my head down
There was a day when I didn't smile, when I didn't frown
There was a night where I sat in the darkness
There was a night where the stars were not seen
There was a person whom I'd miss when the time had come
There is a memory I have that can never be undone.

I saw the rope in my head
I saw the knife in my bed
I thought of all the ways to stop my heart
Spill my blood
Break my neck, spine,
And anything else that is tied to my life.

There was a moment when time slowed down
I imagined the gun in my hand
The gun near my head
the barrel on my skull and trigger pulled back.

I imagined death, my death
I saw myself fall with my eyes closed
Very slowly, with a hard thump
The pool of red grew
I looked at my lifeless body: no pulse, no breath, nothing...

I came back and saw my surroundings: the green, the blue, the yellow
And the colourful land in front of me was rich with life.
I thought of the funeral: who will attend and who will not?
Who will put effort into making salty water because of heavy emotion?
Who will be there when I go down?
Who will shovel sand on my new home?
Who will decorate my new patch with bright colourful flowers?
Who will miss me?
So suicidal...




© Nkazimulo Mvemve

***
Grade 11
***

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