Sunday 30 April 2023
And let the embers of the fire crackle of his scattered pain.
Let the emblem of his love be his heart that he so proudly placed in broken hands.
I see him.
I see the deep oceans of heartache in his eyes.
I see the manmade dam, overflowing
Threatening to flow hastened over the walls.
And his smile, faint.
When last did I see you smile?
The mirror in front of him, it couldn’t mirror what he wanted to see.
You can never retain the knowledge of something you already know.
Because you see what you think,
And you think what you feel,
And he felt nothing.
He was numb.
He was hers.
She moved on.
She held the world in broken hands.
She was his world.
And, as the nymph replied to the shepherd
That love, is somewhat materialistic.
It was never meant for us.
We belong to the world of animals.
I live for him, he lives for her.
I die for him, he dies for her.
I cry for him, he cries for her.
Do nothing for love and it will treat you like a gem
For love never replies to its call:
It only comes when you’re nothing but a shell of your former self- your happy former self.
Monday 3 October 2022
See me as XL.
They tell me I’m too free
Too free to be in South Africa
Too free to be a black young woman in South Africa
They tell me that they see me, they watch me.
Every waking moment I await to hear
Of another 16 year- old girl
Probably raped by her dad
Who has lost all hope for her future
And see me gliding across the room
With glinting eyes that still shimmer with hope
A hope that is never lasting
For an attack that is everlasting
And twitter tells me that stretch marks are now in style
So I stand in front of the mirror to check I still have some
And stare wearily at the person that I think I’ve become
Yet, I tell him every day, I thank him everyday
I make sure he sees his heart in me every day, his love in me everyday
And surely he isn’t real but I have to prepare because he is always watching
And see me walking home after school and hearing them whistle
And seeing the sinister lust in his eyes
See my spine shiver as I hear his name for me, making me doubt my own name
And standing in the middle of the street, stranger danger
To check if everyone can see what is happening
But realising that everyone thinks it’s a norm
Because a man always has to show his appreciation for what he sees.
And a well-rounded lady is what every African man needs.
Yet, my mother, she frets for me
She sees this young insecure girl, who thinks she is never going to make it
She is sure that she will make it
But she is afraid
Afraid that surely my boyfriend will come to our house someday and ask to help carry her groceries
And hope entirely, that he is the best boyfriend for me
But surely it will scar him to know that his love was never a part of me,
It was never linked to me because his addiction was never my addiction,
I’m entitled to sobriety.
See me as XS.
And this sobriety that can never be undone
Because when push comes to shove, I am every girl’s dream
And this time, he loves me more than ever
He said it, so I believe him.
Yet, I still feel empty on the inside, like something is missing
As he put me to sobriety when he held me down and fulfilled his sore desire
See me scream as he carries on, as if my screams are not heard
I’m the perfect type, for everyone, but that’s what is needed, right?
Because if he does not like me and if they do not like me, then what?
And see the different groups watch me with envy whenever I wear my miniskirt
They think I’m overdoing it but it shouldn’t matter
Because I think I know why I’m doing this
They see me, they watch me.
And see me hope and pray that I don’t turn into Miss Pizza Face anytime soon
Because everybody knows fresh is better
And on Instagram I almost have 5000 followers, which is pretty good
Considering I’m only 16.
And see my mother’s worried look
Because she thinks I’ve gone too far, she doesn’t know me anymore
She prays to see me walking with a nice boy who probably wears glasses
Who asks her, begs her, to help carry the groceries
So that I can see the he is the perfect guy for me,
Instead of the car I’m always dropped out of because she stopped fetching me from school
Because I told her, I could handle it.
See us united.
And see us smile and hope for the future
A future that probably never existed
A future that we think is okay.
See us walk with pride in streets that are filled with barbarians that we call our brothers
Because maybe, we are too free to be in South Africa
Maybe we are too free to be black, young women in South Africa
And maybe those are just our lives.
Wednesday 27 April 2022
I fear my future
How easy it was to convince myself
I don’t have one.
- Spicy Icy
What is love?
Love is when you’re missing some of your teeth
But you’re not afraid to smile
Because you know your friends will still love you
Even though some of you is missing
- Spicy Icy
You kissed my face.
I froze in place
With nothing, but you on every thought
Forgetting love, cannot be taught.
There are only distractions to divert.
I think of you and see hurt
As my brain is trying to talk.
My muscle memory forgot hot to walk
Perhaps I need a crutch?
I only feel your touch
- Spicy Icy