See Me ~ Amahle Njilo

 

See me as XL.

 

They tell me I’m too free

Too free to be in South Africa

Too free to be a black young woman in South Africa

They tell me that they see me, they watch me.

Every waking moment I await to hear

Of another 16 year- old girl

Probably raped by her dad

Who has lost all hope for her future

And see me gliding across the room

With glinting eyes that still shimmer with hope

A hope that is never lasting

For an attack that is everlasting

And twitter tells me that stretch marks are now in style

So I stand in front of the mirror to check I still have some

And stare wearily at the person that I think I’ve become

Yet, I tell him every day, I thank him everyday

I make sure he sees his heart in me every day, his love in me everyday

And surely he isn’t real but I have to prepare because he is always watching

And see me walking home after school and hearing them whistle

And seeing the sinister lust in his eyes

See my spine shiver as I hear his name for me, making me doubt my own name

And standing in the middle of the street, stranger danger

To check if everyone can see what is happening

But realising that everyone thinks it’s a norm

Because a man always has to show his appreciation for what he sees.

And a well-rounded lady is what every African man needs.

Yet, my mother, she frets for me

She sees this young insecure girl, who thinks she is never going to make it

She is sure that she will make it

But she is afraid

Afraid that surely my boyfriend will come to our house someday and ask to help carry her groceries

And hope entirely, that he is the best boyfriend for me

But surely it will scar him to know that his love was never a part of me,

It was never linked to me because his addiction was never my addiction,

I’m entitled to sobriety.

 

See me as XS.

 

And this sobriety that can never be undone

Because when push comes to shove, I am every girl’s dream

And this time, he loves me more than ever

He said it, so I believe him.

Yet, I still feel empty on the inside, like something is missing

As he put me to sobriety when he held me down and fulfilled his sore desire

See me scream as he carries on, as if my screams are not heard

I’m the perfect type, for everyone, but that’s what is needed, right?

Because if he does not like me and if they do not like me, then what?

And see the different groups watch me with envy whenever I wear my miniskirt

They think I’m overdoing it but it shouldn’t matter

Because I think I know why I’m doing this

They see me, they watch me.

And see me hope and pray that I don’t turn into Miss Pizza Face anytime soon

Because everybody knows fresh is better

And on Instagram I almost have 5000 followers, which is pretty good

Considering I’m only 16.

And see my mother’s worried look

Because she thinks I’ve gone too far, she doesn’t know me anymore

She prays to see me walking with a nice boy who probably wears glasses

Who asks her, begs her, to help carry the groceries

So that I can see the he is the perfect guy for me,

Instead of the car I’m always dropped out of because she stopped fetching me from school

Because I told her, I could handle it.

 

See us united.

 

And see us smile and hope for the future

A future that probably never existed

A future that we think is okay.

See us walk with pride in streets that are filled with barbarians that we call our brothers

Because maybe, we are too free to be in South Africa

Maybe we are too free to be black, young women in South Africa

And maybe those are just our lives.

Amahle Njilo

***

Grade 10

***

I Fear My Future - Justin van Vuuren

 14.

I fear my future

Only because

Of

How easy it was to convince myself

I don’t have one.

-          Spicy Icy

15.

What is love?

Love is when you’re missing some of your teeth

But you’re not afraid to smile

Because you know your friends will still love you

Even though some of you is missing

-          Spicy Icy

16.

You kissed my face.

I froze in place

With nothing, but you on every thought

Forgetting love, cannot be taught.

 

There are only distractions to divert.

I think of you and see hurt

As my brain is trying to talk.

My muscle memory forgot hot to walk

 

Perhaps I need a crutch?

I only feel your touch

-          Spicy Icy

Justin Van Vuuren

***

Grade 12

***

Monsters - Justin Van Vuuren

 10.

Monsters

The monsters were never under my bed.

Because the monsters were inside my head

 

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

Because all this time the monster has been me.

-          Spicy Icy

11.

We have a cannibal

On the loose

 

He is potentially a vegetarian

He doesn’t always eat much

on the people side

 

Over the weekend he was doing

a little

human eating

 

Though it might not be

on your leg

 

he sure

is gonna do

some chewing

 

somewhere

-          Spicy Icy

 

12.

One cup of bat juice

is about 28 dollars

it’s pretty expensive

because bat juice

is just being awesome

-          Spicy Icy

13.

He popped a glizzy

Into her beef curtains

And together

They made

a nasty midnight stew

-          Spicy Icy

Justin Van Vuuren

***

Grade 12

***

Spicy Icy - Justin Van Vuuren

 7.

I’ve got a mop on my brain

I’m clean

but not sane

-          Spicy Icy

8.

I’m not sweet

I’m not small

 

I’m powerful

and tall

 

so

 

Spicy Icy

Is my

new

nickname

-          Spicy Icy

9.

Please

you must blow dry

your feet

 

I’m cold

 

get your legs off me

you fool

-          Spicy Icy

Justin van Vuuren

***

Grade 12

***

Old Box of Flowers - Justin Van Vuuren

 4.

I’ve got this big old box of flowers

Aren’t they pretty?

I’m walking for hours feeling witty

So I stumble upon you not having a good day

And I say

“hey hey, just take one of my flowers”

And you say thanks and it brightens up your day

And you head on your way

Now I have one less flower

But that’s okay, cause I say I’ll be okay.

Just seven pretty flowers all wrapped up in a box

I wish they were limitless, but their not

Its another day, another flower

Are you okay? Another flower

Out of harms way, another day, another flower

3 2 1 flowers left and I’m running so low

Oh so low on the life I once had so

I debate to give you the flowers

To give you the power to fight away any

Sour thoughts you have everyday

And take it upon myself as I drift

Further into dirt like my flowers

I wish I never had any flowers

Cause now, like a vase

I’m empty

 

-          Spicy Icy

5.

Amongst the crowd, a tall lady stood strong

Unworried by the commotion around.

Violinists played the sweetest love song

My heart fluttered, no longer on firm ground

 

In her immense, blue-green eyes like the sea

Everything close by gradually slowed down.

She turned, facing directly towards me,

Gently walking amidst our old-time town

 

Butterflies fill my stomach and I blush

Not knowing what to do, I say “Hello”

She quickly stops because she feels the rush

Que the love piece, let it set love aglow

 

Like others, our story started with “Hi”

The difference comes how pairs say “Bye”

-          Spicy Icy

6.

Take my broken heart

and rip it from my chest

Steal away my soul

and finally put me to rest

 

I dreamt about you day and night

and I wanted you to be mine

You watched me in my hardest days

and sometimes watched me shine

 

Every time I saw you

my heart would skip a beat

Every time you said my name

I would spring out of my seat

 

I loved you with my heart and soul

I loved you year after year

But something always kept us apart

our confusion, our chances, our fear

 

But now there is no hope for us

We are doomed to be apart

Maybe I won’t feel the pain

if you completely break my heart

-          Spicy Icy

Justin van Vuuren

***

Grade 12

***

Do Not Fall in Love With People Like Me - Justin van Vuuren

 1.

Do NOT fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums and parks and monuments and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible, and when I leave you will finally understand why STORMS are named after people.

-          Spicy Icy

 

 

 2.

There are many types of monsters in this world, monsters who do not show themselves and cause trouble… monsters who abduct children. Monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood and monsters who always tell lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance… they are much more cunning than other monsters. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart. They eat even though they’ve never experienced hunger. They study even though they have no interest in academics. They seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to ever encounter such a monster, I would likely be eaten by them, because in truth I am that monster.

-          Spicy Icy

 

 3.

The very thing that distinguishes us both is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime. But you wouldn’t choose me in this one and although I gave you my flesh and bones. I know I cannot love you into loving me, so there you are overflowing with my love and here I am pleading foe a droplet of yours or whatever I could salvage but there must come a time where you recognize to grieve someone hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you. And I know I should not beg for love but just once I wanted someone to be afraid of losing me.

-          Spicy Icy

Justin van Vuuren

***

Grade 12

***

Oh what were the joys back then? by Nkazimulo Mvemve

Oh what were the joys back then?

In the simplest way we’d tend to each-others wounds, licking the blood saltier than sea and heal the ends.

It was never difficult when…

That was the trend, although too natural we lent our time to lie on each-others side, by side, by side – like a cube stationary in space and time, Schrödinger’s Cat vol-you-tile.

It was all too different when you meant…

The bending backwards that made my spine auto-correct, the alignment of my shock-ras, when the world was not content with covering our faces.

It put me in dark places.

The spaces that wore a nice black-on-white styled piece - that was the time I understood fashion emotionally - we did an experiment I wore white latex gloves.

I never experienced that excitement.

But it was always vibes when we’d shoot the shots and chat the times, laugh and giggle, sober and high, melancholy and delighted whenever we’d eye-to-eye.

A moth flew in my tea.

The dust it dissipated reminded me of a cold winters night outside those doors, we’d talk and come to light, it felt so right so nice, those stars the crowd  to our comedy.

I remember one about a girl.

And this wasn’t you it was him, that locational coincidence coincided our lives, he knew my name before he met me so fate was destined in that timeline.

 We were all there, back then.

I had dreams after I left of others that weren’t the same or you or them, one of them of my ‘ex’ I hated her guts in there, I’ve never seen you in stages of sleep.

But the memories I hold dear to me.

Although my mind is a clouded and forgetful shade of grey, memories of then piercing reminiscent light that take me back.

To my favourite place, to those always cold days, to those relationships that could have worked, to those emotional explorations, to that last light, last laughs and to that last hug I’ll never forget.

Nkazimulo Mvemve

***

Matriculant 2019

***

Heidegger's Being by Naadir Vorajee

Two great creatures deep within

fighting endlessly without sin

to win the war that plagues my mind

to take control of the fate I’ll find

one is a lion, of Nemian sort

that lures all notions of man and thought

He consumes and digests the Socratic soul

and reveals to Himself the ideas stole

He’s a beast that knows the light at the end

but knows not how or where it does bend

to find its source is his ultimate quest

until then his war will not rest...

The other a beast of gentle might

that sores on Plato’s platonic height

A gleaming soul that wishes to learn

the wings that flew the Arctic Turn

A beast that stares into the stars

and wonders why the night has scars

and feels to learn and learns to feel

of all the beauty the world hath wield

He cannot consume what lies beyond

but wants to envelope what is among

to learn through feel and touch and taste

instead of harsh consumption haste.

And so the carnage must continue

to find the truth that lines my sinew

so that I may become the man I must be

when no beasts fight deep within me.

Naadir Vorajee

***

Matriculant - 2013 

***