See me as XL.
They tell me I’m too free
Too free to be in South Africa
Too free to be a black young woman in South Africa
They tell me that they see me, they watch me.
Every waking moment I await to hear
Of another 16 year- old girl
Probably raped by her dad
Who has lost all hope for her future
And see me gliding across the room
With glinting eyes that still shimmer with hope
A hope that is never lasting
For an attack that is everlasting
And twitter tells me that stretch marks are now in style
So I stand in front of the mirror to check I still have
some
And stare wearily at the person that I think I’ve become
Yet, I tell him every day, I thank him everyday
I make sure he sees his heart in me every day, his love
in me everyday
And surely he isn’t real but I have to prepare because he
is always watching
And see me walking home after school and hearing them
whistle
And seeing the sinister lust in his eyes
See my spine shiver as I hear his name for me, making me
doubt my own name
And standing in the middle of the street, stranger danger
To check if everyone can see what is happening
But realising that everyone thinks it’s a norm
Because a man always has to show his appreciation for
what he sees.
And a well-rounded lady is what every African man needs.
Yet, my mother, she frets for me
She sees this young insecure girl, who thinks she is
never going to make it
She is sure that she will make it
But she is afraid
Afraid that surely my boyfriend will come to our house
someday and ask to help carry her groceries
And hope entirely, that he is the best boyfriend for me
But surely it will scar him to know that his love was
never a part of me,
It was never linked to me because his addiction was never
my addiction,
I’m entitled to sobriety.
See me as XS.
And this sobriety that can never be undone
Because when push comes to shove, I am every girl’s dream
And this time, he loves me more than ever
He said it, so I believe him.
Yet, I still feel empty on the inside, like something is
missing
As he put me to sobriety when he held me down and
fulfilled his sore desire
See me scream as he carries on, as if my screams are not
heard
I’m the perfect type, for everyone, but that’s what is
needed, right?
Because if he does not like me and if they do not like me,
then what?
And see the different groups watch me with envy whenever
I wear my miniskirt
They think I’m overdoing it but it shouldn’t matter
Because I think I know why I’m doing this
They see me, they watch me.
And see me hope and pray that I don’t turn into Miss
Pizza Face anytime soon
Because everybody knows fresh is better
And on Instagram I almost have 5000 followers, which is
pretty good
Considering I’m only 16.
And see my mother’s worried look
Because she thinks I’ve gone too far, she doesn’t know me
anymore
She prays to see me walking with a nice boy who probably
wears glasses
Who asks her, begs her, to help carry the groceries
So that I can see the he is the perfect guy for me,
Instead of the car I’m always dropped out of because she
stopped fetching me from school
Because I told her, I could handle it.
See us united.
And see us smile and hope for the future
A future that probably never existed
A future that we think is okay.
See us walk with pride in streets that are filled with
barbarians that we call our brothers
Because maybe, we are too free to be in South Africa
Maybe we are too free to be black, young women in South
Africa
And maybe those are just our lives.
Amahle Njilo
***
Grade 10
***
